Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize