I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I have fence marks all over my body
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize