apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
