I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
