The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
