The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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