This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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