I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize