Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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