I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
