i permit you to call me
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
