Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
