Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
