youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
