watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Randomize
