How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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