beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
