I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
