If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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