even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
