yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
