Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize