Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
