i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
