My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
