I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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