If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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