Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
