totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
