literally had 100 drinks last night.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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