i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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