wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize