I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
