Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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