alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
