if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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