I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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