Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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