You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
