he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
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