my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
