I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize