i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I got inside last night via doggy door
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
