piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
