mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
