if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
