when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
