i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
