I met the friendliest cop last night
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
