With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
So many bounce houses so little time
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
