So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
