the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
