wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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