This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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