I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize