If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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