Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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