My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
