you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
