HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Never joke about your clitoris.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
