someone threw a dead crab at me
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I just found a bag of teeth...
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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